2024 Has Been A Year Of All Time…
This year has been something. I’ve been hit with a lot of heavy shit since pretty much day one of the calendar year. Which has left me feeling, well, weighed down, as heavy stuff tends to do. But don’t get me wrong. Before I get accused of going all, ‘woe is me’, it hasn’t been all bad. This, I will happily admit. There have been some wonderful and shining moments in 2024. Because it cant all be bad. These nuggets of good have helped my quickly deteriorating mental health immensely. However, these bad things… These bad, heavy, things have lingered(and some even grew larger). Ever sitting on my shoulders.
One of these issues, arguably the biggest, that I have been dealing with did not actually start this year. No, it reared its ugly head almost 5 years ago, and it has been hanging over me like a comet on a collision course with earth. Slowly, but surely, it’s coming. And this year, this world killer finally entered the atmosphere.
Dramatic allusions aside, this is an issue that would legit affect my career, family, personal life, and wellbeing all in numerous ways. Those years back, in its infancy, it was shrugged off as a big ole’ nothingburger. However, it persisted. And it grew, until this “nothingburger” started to become something. Weighing on me more and more as each day passed. Again this persisted for the better part of five years. But it wasn’t always there. It was a tricksy comet, you see. It came, went, came again, went again, came back again with the thunder, and left once more with a spectacular humiliating crash to the sound of thunderous applause. And then finally, early this year, it came back with a vengeance akin to a war god’s wrath on a fledgling city of pacifists.
This time, no matter how hard it was opposed, it did not leave until it had run its course.
The amount of stress accumulated and sleep lost because of all this is beyond comprehension. Even to this day. Again, I am talking about years and years of this shit. I have spent countless nights just laying in or sitting on the edge of my bed running scenarios and contemplating eventualities that were both hyper-realistic and far fetched. It has negatively affected my health, my personality, my personal life, and my professional life.
Along with many other people, I had been fighting this event to the best of my ability. Having spent hours on end doing stuff that was asked of me, and also going above what was asked, almost going rogue. In all this, I did have victories. Some small, some large, which felt great. But in the end, it just was not enough. All the fighting was for naught. All it afforded was a delay to the inevitable.
On July 27th this issue came to its apex. After almost five years of being ever present, in some fashion, the end finally came. And I ended up seeing it through to the final moments, which hurt a lot more than I was expecting. Towards the end I was so very done with the whole thing. I was mentally and emotionally checked out. Frustrated to no end. But still, when it all came to a head, it felt like adding insult to an already multifaceted injury. I was even figuratively beat while I was down on the ground writhing, after all I went through.
But, for better or worse, it was finally over, and a new chapter had to begin. Complete with its own trials and tribulations… a forced upon me ‘new chapter’. But it doesn’t end there… Because, why wouldn’t it?
To add further injury to my now injured injuries, almost one month after that event, I lost my cat to old age. Which hit like a bomb blast. He was 20 years old, and I had him for all but 3-4 months of his life. He was there for every good, bad, or otherwise thing that had happened in my life for the past two decades. He was my rock and confidant. For most of that timeframe it was just he and I living alone. He was there every day when I came home. He was there when I was sick, mad, or sad.
And then he was not…
Twenty years is a hell of a lifespan for any animal, and I consider myself to be incredibly lucky having had him in my life for as long as he was. It felt like he was always going to be there. But that is not how life goes. No matter how hard I prepared myself for this eventuality over the past few years. The writing was on the wall, his health was declining. Even knowing all that, it still hurt something fierce.
Honestly, the timing didn’t help either. But I know that was just one of the universe’s many unfortunate coincidences…
Stress vs Hobbies(And Free Time In General)
Why are you bringing this up on a hobby blog, cry baby? Who cares, where are the shoddily painted miniatures and hobby reports? Blah blah blah…
Well, the aforementioned life altering stuff above, along with so many other things that have happened this year, have plain nuked my drive to do just about anything. Nuked my drive to take care of myself. Hell it’s all nuked my drive to just be a functioning human being at times. With that known, and bringing this all back into the realm of this blog; hobbying in almost any fashion has largely been cast aside in the past year-plus. No matter how hard I tried. So no shoddily painted miniatures in this one. Sorry.
From the beginning, both as a founding contributor, and from when I took over the operation of this website(formerly Otherverse), one thing that I have had a major interest in was conveying realism. It is no real secret that the entire crew that writes here are all well into adulthood. We all have lives outside of 40K, board games, and video games. Some of us have some serious shit that we carry with us on a daily basis. Life happens, and shit gets in the way. The goals we make for our hobbies are often railroaded by the unforeseen or even the ever present. That’s life. It is not all sunshine and rainbows.
I enjoy working on miniatures and whatnot. However, when it comes to building and painting miniatures, I have been in a hobby rut for well over a year and a half, at this point. This is largely due to the stuff that I spoke to above. A fact that I was kind of blind to early on, if I’m being honest. Maybe it was denial, but I have been deeply depressed because of everything. I clearly recognize this now. Depression has this way of taking the fun and solace out of things that usually would spark joy and offer respite. My hobbies were largely not spared from this fact. There have been countless times that I have looked at my hobby desk and formulated plans to do something. There was a spark. I got the itch. An actual WANT to do something. I would even grab a kit or individual model and place it on said desk. However, nothing would ever come of it. It was just easier to put everything away.
For example: seeing as the aforementioned five year issue was finally coming to its apex, and I was beginning to feel some form of marginal weight lifting from my shoulders, I got the itch to do… something, anything. I decided to pull out my Bolt Action Island Assault box set. A set I have been wanting to work on for some time, but it has stayed in my closet for [checks calendar] almost two years exactly. So I opened the box, removed all of the contents and checked them out. There was even an ounce of excitement. Then I opened the instruction guide and something all to familiar recently happened.
My drive sapped. That spark was extinguished.
I immediately began to repack the box, then returned it to its hiding place. I guess the weight hadn’t lifted quite enough from my shoulders yet… This pattern has happened multiple times in the past year or two. I did manage to build a handful of tanks for Team Yankee though. But that act was incredibly forced, and they sat on my hobby desk for some months after. Collecting dust that I will later have to clean off in order to paint, someday…
The Escape Route
In the past 11+ months, the only hobby that I have actually been able to bring myself to do in my free time is the one that I have been doing for my whole life. Play video games. This is largely due to the fact that video games require me to only sit in one place and drone on while staring at a screen for hours on end. An action that was just about all I could manage on some days.
It was my Playstation and STEAM that were major contributors in keeping a semblance of sanity with all that has been happening. Unlike other attempts at hobbying, no spark was needed to pick up a game controller. On my days off I would wake up, still exhausted, stumble into the living room, pick up my controller and turn on the tv. From there I would sit for hours. Healthy? No. Yes? No. Maybe? Definitely no. But sometimes it is just what you need. That something that facilitates you getting through the day. There are countless worse ways to make time go by.
2024 saw me playing many of the games/genres that have deep roots in my existence. Mainly RPG’s, which is my favorite genre. These games include:
- Final Fantasy VII Remake (a replay to prepare for Rebirth’s release)
- (Yakuza) Like a Dragon Gaiden: The Man Who Erased His Name
- (Yakuza 9) Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth
- Final Fantasy VII Rebirth
- Coral Island
- Space Marine 2
- Honkai Star Rail
With the exception of Space Marine 2, all of these titles I consider to be long-play games and I averaged 70 to 110 hours of gameplay per game. Hell, I played over 150 hours in Coral Island, and… [checks the PS app] almost 250 hours(and counting) in Honkai Star Rail. I don’t play many games that only offer 20-30 hours of game play.
If you’re going to dump hundreds of hours into a game, why not take your stress and frustrations out on an MMORPG or First Person Shooter?
While that may be an avenue for some people, and one that I, at one point in my life, would have taken, Those genres and I just don’t gel anymore. Aging myself again, I loved games like Wolfenstein, Doom, Heretic, Halo and SOCOM, way back when they were new games. But now… FPS’s just stress me the fuck out. So that would be no good. I have enough stress in my life. Space Marine 2, being a heavy third person shooter, was a big stretch for me these days. But my interest in the subject matter drew me in. Plus I played the original when it first released. I honestly feel like my limit in terms of shooters anymore is a game like Mass Effect. It has shooter elements, but that isn’t the whole of the games mechanics.
Turning to the online games argument, while I love RPG’s, my age of MMORPG play has come and gone. Thankfully. I am well over a decade clean at this point. My MMO play dates back to Ultima Online and ended with WoW. Man, I cannot even fathom how many days of my life I lost to WoW back in the day’s of vanilla, Burning Crusade, and Wrath of the Lich King. Don’t get me wrong, I loved WoW. I have been playing Warcraft since it was an MSDOS strategy game. I’ve read a dozen of the novels. And as far as WoW goes, I loved the game, questlines, and the times I had with my guild. However, at some point it became something more than ‘just a game’. It became an addiction.
On multiple occasions I called in sick to work just to play that game. Because maybe there was a raid going down. Or the guild was going to have max participation in something that I didn’t want to miss. Time would become fluid. Like, I would wake up at 8 or 9am, sit down in front of PC, and play. The next time I would look at the clock it would say 3am. ‘What just happened? Did I eat anything today?’ I had no idea what happened. Rinse and repeat. Once I realized this addiction, I knew that I had to retire all of my max level toons and disable autorenew. Plus, online games are just a shitshow nowadays, and can be toxic as hell. I don’t want any of that noise.
Now, the Yakuza and Final Fantasy games, on the other hand, are my comfort zone. They offer the ability to just run around and explore, do side quests, or grind to the heart’s content. WITHOUT other players interference. Coral Island is a farming simulator with RPG elements, really really similar to Stardew Valley(almost too similar…) Given this game style, there is no limit in terms of time you can spend in the game. There really isn’t an end-game. You may finish the story elements and side quests. But you can just keep going. It is entirely at your own pace. A “cozy” game, to use the modern vernacular.
I got into Honkai Star Rail late in the year, at the suggestion of someone who recognized I needed something to dump time into. And quickly vibed with it. I had no intentions on falling down that gacha-game rabbit hole, honestly not thinking that it was my thing. But it ended up being a lot better than I had convinced myself it was, and quite fun. It became a very good way to escape reality for a while.
Which is exactly what I was looking for. All of these games give me just that. A digital escape.
These types of games have been perfect for me with everything that has been going on in my life. In the JRPG’s I would find myself just grinding for hours on end. Not necessarily out of need, but just because I lost track of time(not like how it was with WoW, mind you). Something that was very very welcome. In the farming sim, I would just drone on and listen to Spotify or my vinyl. Literally performing the same exact mundane tasks, over and over again on an in-game day by day basis. Again, time flew by, and my mind was otherwise occupied.
Every minute spent NOT worrying about the various issues hanging around me, almost felt like it was healing me. Almost. I mean, I still did have to contend with these issues. I wasn’t running from them. I wasn’t denying them. It’s just that, these issues were not as heavily pressing to me now. Because I will be honest, while the issues were massive, and life-altering, my mind could make even that feeling MUCH worse. Overthinking, contemplating the ‘what-ifs?’, it all takes its toll. I am my own worst enemy.
In my life, of the many hobbies that I enjoy, none of them have been able to offer me the escape that video games do. Building and painting mini’s requires concentration. Yes. But if the mind is in conflict, then that concentration cannot come. I couldn’t even enjoy reading a novel, biography, or any of my comic books in the past year for this reason. I struggled through a couple books early on, but it was just that. A struggle. I took almost nothing from them. Even my attempt to return to playing music (bass guitar, trombone, ukulele, etc) in the past two years has also been absolutely halted.
I have so many things that make me happy. And I have largely been unable to enjoy them. Which sucks.
So… What Is The TLDR?
What am I trying to convey here? Is there any advice buried in these long winded words? Maybe. Or maybe it was me finally venting in written form.
What I do know: I have been in a dark unhealthy place for a long time now. A place that I am finally digging myself out of. I am trying to heal deep wounds that are still very fresh. This year, I searched long and hard for that thing or hobby that I needed to help me escape reality for a while. It ended up being video games. One of my first ever hobbies. Not that I haven’t been gaming in recent year’s. But rather it was the realization that returning to gaming, on the regular, was something that I desperately needed. That digital escape. If not for but a mere hour or couple of hours, every day.
If you are in a similar state as me, try to find that one thing that offers you some solace. But don’t try to force yourself into something. It has to come naturally. Forcing yourself to paint a miniature probably will not yield good results. That one thing, may not be the one thing that you WANT to be doing. Like, say, painting miniatures. It may be found by falling back to an old hobby. Almost like catching up with an old friend.
Robert
All of these are true except for one:
Robert is: a Hobbyist, a Music Lover, an RPG Gamer, a Mustard Lover, Chaotic Neutral, a Japanese Speaker, a Veteran, an Otaku, a Table Tennis Player, an Anime Fan, an Aviation Professional, a New York Rangers Fan, a Chaos Lover With Loyalist Tendencies.
